the age of (an) aquarius

Hi ♡ Thanks for finding your way back to this space. I recognize as I try to ease into the new year (+ soon, a new age) that I’m shifting into a period of rapid change both in my internal world as well as my external one. I’ve always had an iffy relationship with change (especially unexpected changes), but these ones I’ve seen coming for a little while + have been fortunate enough to receive a lot of help + guidance with them. I wanted to take a moment to share a bit of what that experience has been like so far.

It’s a season of growing pains for me + my work; as I revisit, recontextualize, + reshape it into a venture that I can truly get comfortable in for a while. I’m learning new ways of slowing down + being gentler to myself, both in my creative practice + in my movement practices. Last year I learned that I have an expansive, loving support system of people that I am eager to build new futures with. My focus this year is to learn how to provide mutual support, while also (simultaneously) creating new opportunities for fulfilling collaboration + play with the ones I love/trust.

Last year, I was lucky enough to be a part of Creatives Rebuild New York (CRNY)’s 2022-2023 Guaranteed Income for Artists program. Here’s a bit about this initiative in their own words:

“Creatives Rebuild New York is a three-year, $125 million initiative that provides guaranteed income and employment opportunities to artists across New York State. CRNY believes that artists are workers who deserve equitable, sustainable support structures, and that improving the lives of artists is paramount to the vitality of New York State’s collective social and economic wellbeing.

The data from the many Guaranteed Income pilots across the country demonstrate that even full employment does not promise a living wage to those in need, including artists who are often excluded from critical workforce discussions due to the invisible and oftentimes uncompensated labor that supports their practice,” said Emil Kang, CRNY Leadership Council Chair and Mellon Foundation Program Director for Arts and Culture. “We're thrilled that this program helps artists meet their basic needs, and we are hopeful that Guaranteed Income for Artists serves as a model for larger scale, policy-based solutions in the future." 

   Building on the 1960s New Jersey Graduated Income Work Experiment and, more recently, Mayors for a Guaranteed Income, CRNY joins national and international guaranteed income programs— from San Francisco to St. Paul, Minnesota to Ireland—that center and support artists.”

I applied for the GI program a couple of weeks after finding out I was pregnant + found out I’d be a recipient while I was miscarrying (all of which occurred smack in the middle of our engagement). Access to this sort of financial + creative support was a lifeline for my partner + I during that time. I honestly don’t know how we made it through the years since, but I do know that CRNY was a huge part of it, + I am in endless gratitude.

For the last few months, I’ve been excitedly working through the GI Exit Packet; an extremely helpful compilation of creative resources to help recipients establish financial security once the program concluded. This has included a bevy of financial wellness information from the Entertainment Community Fund, professional portraits by Claudia Maturell (@diquematu) (another recipient + total sweetheart), one-on-one career coaching with two art professionals from New York Foundation For The Arts (NYFA), + a weekly financial literacy workshop “by artists for artists” with Andrew Simonet + Michaela Pilar Brown of Artist U (+ authors of Making Your Way As An Artist). I’ve never had access to an art community this way. It’s a massive honor to be counted among such inspiring albeit differing artists, all for the sake of common ideals; in service of the “radical” belief that artists are valuable. + worth protecting.

This experience has really opened my eyes up to just how inherently politicized (but sacred + vital) the role of the artist is. These webinars, classes, + conversations have been so validating + dream-affirming, but they’ve also helped me realize how many changes I’m eager to implement + how much time that may take. While I don’t plan to disappear entirely, I do want to explain that what (+ the manner in which) I usually post is somewhat under construction. The shop is also under construction, but only because I’m getting ready to add so many new exciting offerings, doodads, + thingamajigs ♡

 As always, I can’t thank you enough for your ongoing encouragement + support during another funky little metamorphosis. Throughout all of this I’ve been reminded (sometimes literally by some of you) that everything has its season; it feels fitting that much like spring, this next phase of my career is waiting just around the corner + my world is waking up again.

One particular intention of mine this year is to make myself more available for collaborative work, so I thought it might be a good idea to make a form (to help get the ball rolling). I’ll be back with more information on that soon! In the meantime, you can still find me on Patreon here ♡ 

A few other happy updates: Our wedding has been featured in Buffalo Magazine’s January/February issue! This wouldn’t have been possible without the magic of so many, but I’d like to especially thank: our host/florist/textile artist/mythical sage Nicole (@ofdreamland) for sharing their space (which you can learn more about here), Danni (@seleniteandsage), Hilary (@thcwny), +  Lindsay for curating so many magical details + moments, + of course our incredible wedding party + families! You can find Buffalo magazine at any regional newsstand or grocery store, + you can read the digital version here! 

Lastly, J read my mind this past holiday season + gifted me my very own pole! I don’t think it has even shipped yet, so it will be a while before it’s set up; but I’m already so excited to get back into my movement practice now that holiday/birthday/depression season is winding down. I’m sure I’ll have so much to share, so feel free to sign up for my newsletter, check out my Patreon, or follow whichever socials suit you!  

Wishing you a sweet start to spring, 

f+f

Herbal conference update

Hello, dear friends! I just wanted to take a moment to address a recent fuck up! 

As you may have heard; although I was set to be a vendor at this year’s WNY Herbal Conference, I have since pulled out (as of late last week) for reasons that I wanted to clarify a bit in this space. It was brought to my attention last week that the event was planning to include a vendor that had a racialized slur for Romani people in their business name. Several people had attempted to educate them on their Instagram page but ultimately they quietly deleted the post (+ all of the free labor contributed by marginalized people in their community). I had commented on the post right before its deletion (asking if there were any updates on this conversation that we had been assured was being handled privately), which resulted in the IG page for the conference messaging me. We discussed the matter for a while but the conversation was so problematic that it didn’t take long for me to realize that this conference centers a community I don’t want to have access to me, my work, or the communities I aim to serve. After dropping out of the event, I did reiterate that a public conversation should be had to address something so serious that has negative impact beyond being bad press for their event (but I hadn’t seen anything over the past few days). Earlier today I was shown that they tacked on a very stereotypical non-apology to the end of a completely unrelated post about t-shirts; which both centered the “learning” and “growth” of the white people perpetuating harm and which failed to acknowledge any of the individuals that contributed labor to the original deleted post (or who subsequently attempted to educate the harmful vendor and conference committee in private). They also miraculously managed to use the slur within the few first sentences.

I’d like to apologize to anyone who may have been exposed to this event or these people because of me + my failure to fully vet these individuals. The messages I received were quite concerning (in regards to whose needs + perspectives are being centered at the conference), + I hate the idea of any POC or marginalized person paying to be exposed to it.

The herbalism/wellness community is overwrought with white supremacy + we all owe it to our most silenced, appropriated + most financially disenfranchised community members to center their safety + comfort in these spaces. It’s been wildly disappointing not only seeing the way the conference’s IG responded to these concerns, but also those who claim to want to engage in community-centered work (who saw this all + thought nothing of it until a more marginalized person spoke up). I’m not surprised, but I am disappointed. (Kristin removed my vendor's posts on the conference’s IG quietly as well, without publicly acknowledging why; despite me emphasizing at several different points that transparency is part of the work)

I also think this is an opportunity to take accountability for making assumptions about people I’ve been in community with. I attended the WNY Herbal Conference last year as a ticket holder; I really enjoyed myself but I noticed the same issues of diversity (or lack thereof) that I see in all of these spaces. I had wanted to support several friends that were vendors or attendees, and I had a few friends in common with Kristin specifically. I mistakenly assumed that this person + their event would be safe + would center the same anti-racial work that our shared community tries too. I was wrong, + this has made me realize that I should create a more intentional way of vetting potential events to appear at; so I’ll be devoting some time to that in the near future. Again, I apologize if anyone was harmed, or lost money/time in an attempt to support me. 

I would like to take this opportunity to uplift Lore, who contributed quite a lot of labor on the original (deleted) post, + who I was told contributed a lot of labor privately as well. Lore is a local witch who does vital work centering fat, Queer, and neurodivergent people whilst creating lovely, soft homesteading spaces to do big dismantling work. Their social media pages are so insightful + I really appreciate them as a community member and as someone who spoke up when others didn’t.

A Brief word

Hello! I’m shifting back into this space after what turned out to be an impromptu hiatus. I’m so very grateful to have you back here after so long! These past few months have been filled with immeasurable growth, joy, but also great mourning (often simultaneously, which has been difficult to make head or tales of). Right now we’re all feeling the rippling devastation that’s inevitable when so many precious communities are threatened and attacked over and over; and amidst it all, my partner and I have been processing our own loss. We’re exhausted and we’re assuming you are too.

Over the past year I’ve noticed that this business/project is growing and expanding in its own enchanted way; I’ve realized that committing acts of service is one of my primary love languages, and I’ve vowed to honor that intention as we go through these growing pains. I hope you’ll all bear with me (and bear witness) as I shift Amethyst Bumblebee towards more intimate, service-based work. I still aim to be a source of creative comfort; I’m still committed to curating equitable opportunities for relaxation and play, I’ll just be just adding more offerings! 

Stay tuned to hear about new services, offerings, and events as they roll out; and to see how your support can contribute to the safety and wellbeing of your marginalized neighbors. You can also check in over at Patreon to see some of what I’ve been up to for the past few months.

In the meantime, you can find me at our meadowside alt Pride at Dreamland on 6/4! I’ll have a bunch of hoops in lots of sizes and would love to jam with you! (DM for details)

I’ll also be at the Midsommar Splendors Art Market (hosted by Strange Times Studios) 6/18, with plenty of floral, ethically-sourced, plant-based potions and knick-knacks to help you celebrate the solstice.

Looking forward to connecting with you all this summer!

Lovingly,

✴ FF ✴

《I Have No Following + I Must Share》

Hello there!

I hope you’re taking care as we move into another winter together. I’ve been spending some time thinking about algorithms, Black Friday, parasocial relationships, surveillance capitalism, + my dreams/intentions for Amethyst Bumblebee (+ I felt like sharing in the hopes of contributing to a larger dialogue). I’ve put some links in my bio if you’re interested in more information, but while I have your attention, I’d like to appeal to you as one community member to another.

This holiday season I’d like to offer you my validation, boundaries, + reassurance. 

We are coming upon the time of year where I look around at my fellow creatives + I see a bunch of beautiful, bright souls running themselves ragged, compromising their sleep schedules + time with their loved ones, + falling into patterns of disordered eating in an attempt to keep up with the increasingly commercial focus of the season. The expectations for small businesses to match major corporations (in terms of discounts, immediate shipping, marketing campaigns, etc.) seems to multiply annually + it frustrates me to see how many sacrifices artists + creatives have to make just to stay afloat. 

I say this not to shame those who patronize our work + share our visions/thoughts/experiences with those they love; but rather to draw attention to our good intentions. We all aim to contribute to this bigger, greater joy; I merely suggest that if we can adjust our lenses a little bit, we may be able to do so more effectively. 

I’m currently re-evaluating my limitations as an artist + rearranging my priorities a little. I realize that I’m often willing to overwork myself in pursuit of self-expression, + I’m trying to develop better boundaries + habits surrounding social media, but it is hard to practice these skills without being afforded the space + security that corporations (or those with generational wealth)  have accumulated through exploitation. I am only one person (though I am generously aided by my [unpaid] fiance who also works full-time). I am Black, Indigenous, Neurodivergent, + a “spoonie” (one who lives with chronic illnesses/pain/medical disabilities). Though I understand that the growth of Amethyst Bumblebee may be less linear or look very different than other businesses, I belong to a lot of different communities + throughout them all I’m seeing a recurring motif of unsustainability. Theoretically, we all need to address our base needs first in order to sustainably work towards our own self-actualization, our need to feel accepted, + esteem needs, but so often I see creatives having to bypass their base needs in an attempt to commodify (+ potentially survive off of) their self-expression, vulnerable moments, + identities. 

One of these basic needs (according to Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs) that I can try to afford myself this season is rest in the form of boundaries. As I’m sure you might have noticed by now, social media has fed the demand for a 24/7 marketplace. There is no off-season or even non-busy season for small businesses + creators within late-stage capitalism. We are often expected to be available 24/7 while also remaining personable + emotionally available to people on the gamble that the potential customer will value our art as much as we do. One could even argue that we’re expected to showcase our processes + personalities more often than our finished work. Again, I call attention to this not to shame, but to highlight our good intent. 

We seek community! What a beautiful + powerful motivation we all share! But I fear that these parasocial relationships that we are all developing through social media are not sustainable + therefore not reliable. I want better for us both. 

My wonderful supporter, I cannot be available always, nor should I; actually, I’m realizing that the quality of my work + the integrity of my very creative cycles depends on it. I think we could all benefit from being mindful about the virtual communities we choose to engage with, intentionally or unintentionally promote, + whether our expectations for the artists in our communities are in alignment with our values, realistic, or even allow them space to consider their needs. Where can we afford to create more space, for our creatives + otherwise? This season + as an ongoing practice?

In all transparency, I am (eagerly) managing many different growing pains for Amethyst Bumblebee, including a call to commit to more sliding-scale, service-based, interpersonal work (some of which will be housed on fadedandfrustrated.com, some at @fadedandfrustrated + @amethsytbumblebeesoaps on IG). I’m also nearly finished establishing the glass jar/bottle recycling program, as well as the punch card program so that I have a way to say thank you to those that offer their time + coin to keep my work going. I’d like to incorporate more anti-capitalist practices into my work, which (for me) will probably involve progressively divesting from certain social media + e-commerce sites (as I can afford to). However, in doing so I do compromise my income from those channels + therefore to create my art as we currently know it. But I want to reassure you, my work so far is only one iteration of my self-expression; I promise it can exist in other forms. I’m merely hoping that you’ll offer me a bit of patience during this metamorphosis. 

It is here that I ask for your patronage + support as a community member as opposed to just a shop, whether that be in the traditional sense of monetary or material donations (as you can afford them, of course), or in the literal sense of becoming a Patreon Patron + contributing your voice (which you can provide without becoming a paying Patron). I ask that you remember that your local craftspeople + creatives are literally your neighbors, + you have the power to afford them more rest + time with their families by extending a tiny bit of empathy. 

In lieu of a weird, parasocial bond that will ultimately doom us both to feeling disconnected, unappreciated, + unheard, I can offer you my word. As opposed to having an arbitrary annual sale designed to create a sense of scarcity, I’ll continue to price my goods at affordable prices year-round (sometimes at a loss), because I believe that quality tools for self-care should be accessible to everyone, all the time. I will continue to strive for integrity in all areas of my work, from ethically-sourcing ingredients + packing, to allowing my vulnerability + availability to show up within my work + in service of those who genuinely value it. Rather than attempting to post to my social media accounts every day, I’d much rather focus on creating, crafting + curating my little dreamscape out here, + I can assure you that on those days you can find me there instead. I can promise that any orders placed between now + the holidays will be fulfilled as quickly as possible, but I also hope that you will forgive me + other creatives if we are working out e-commerce kinks, are subjected to shipping delays, seeking rest from social interactions, or are generally low energy. If you would like to be particularly courteous, perhaps buy a gift card/certificate or event pass in order to support your local vendors while things may be shut down + so they won’t be immediately overwhelmed with orders + services to provide during the holiday season. Basically, please keep in mind that I am not Amazon.

I look forward to us having a more balanced relationship; to being rested enough to give you my all, + to taking the time to create networks + bonds based on acts of community, mutual aid, cooperation, + thoughtfulness. I think we all could all enjoy a higher quality of work/life if we valued our artists as community contributors + emotional interpreters as opposed to merely commodities; where we recognize our abilities to afford them rest + nourishment (outside of capitalist institutions) as opposed to insecurity. I believe in our ability to dream of something else together, I think it may just require a smidge of reframing. We have so many new (+ old) models to call upon; I’m really looking forward to seeing where they’ll take us 🌟

☆ Summer Lovin’ ☆

Hello Hunnybuns ♡ It’s been a while, I know! The end of summer has been unexpectedly busy, but I’ve been looking forward to catching up with you! 

Honestly, my primary focus has been my doula client for the last few months. Getting to help with their birth was such a remarkable experience, but I did really miss soapcrafting + performing! I needed a few weeks of rest + selfcare after the labor; most of which has been spent trying to absorb as much of summer as I can before it leaves us soon. 

Movement has always been instrumental in recalibrating my nervous system, especially after an event as monumental as birth! When I’m “on-call” I need to be ready to go at a moment’s notice, so I’d avoided rollerskating so as not to wear out my body too much beforehand. Immediately after the birth, I was far too sore to do much, but the first chance I got I skated until my legs turned to jelly, and I’m still really itching to get my fill before the weather turns for the year! Whether it’s been rollerskating, hooping, biking, or stimming, I always seem to be moving these days. It’s actually been a good reminder that I need to find new ways to incorporate rest into my self-care routines! 

I also tend to find myself craving time away from the city (as we all do, I’m sure). We’ve been spending this season visiting Nicole at Dreamland every opportunity we get. Whether it’s the full moon + ritual natural dyeing events or the weekly weeding potlucks (only one of which, we’ve made it to), I find that I feel much less overwhelmed + overstimulated when I’m out there. I’m feeling so much gratitude for the opportunities to learn from Nicole, Jess, + the land during our time there. We’ve met SO many new, like-minded souls that I’m really looking forward to collaborating with in the future!

Speaking of things to look forward to; I’ll be updating the shop once more this summer! If you haven’t voted for your favorite Freezy Pop Bar Soap on my IG, feel free to comment on that post until 8/20. Whichever soap wins will be re-released (in limited quantity) during the shop update at the end of August, alongside three plant + mineral-based jelly body glitters ♡

If you’d like to come out + see us in person, you’ll have 3 separate opportunities to do so over the next month or so! If you spot me at the WNY Herbal Conference on August 28th, please take a moment to say hello (though I may be completely consumed by notetaking)! I’m in complete awe over the amount of information they’re managing to pack into one day! 

We’ll be vending Olive's (@cherryfunkd) Art + Yard Sale again on August 29th from 12-6 with a bunch of other rad local artists! DirtyWifi is spinning again, so come out + hang, dance, + support your friendly neighborhood creatives! 

Lastly, we’ll be vending at Grace of Ganja’s next Paint + Puff Night, hosted by Galaxy Glass on September 17th! I attended the last one just for fun, + I had such a lovely time that I really wanted to contribute to the next one (which I’m especially looking forward to because it’s THEMED + dressing up is encouraged)! The courtyard space at Galaxy Glass is so serene, + Bri did a wonderful job of guiding us through everything. Whether you’re coming to paint, or just looking to support local vendors + smoke, I highly suggest it for a night out (sorry, I couldn’t resist).

I’ll be sharing more about each event in the upcoming weeks, so be sure to check my IG stories + highlights (fadedandfrustrated or amethystbumblebeesoaps) for event flyers + information (as well as the calendar on fadedandfrustrated.com). I hope we’ll get to spend some of these last summer days together! 

Be well, my loves! 

Until next time, 

✴ FF ✴